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Lately my heart has been longing for more.
More of what, I wasn’t sure.
I thought it had been longing for more from my husband, my kids, the people around me, and the world itself. Selfish, right?
I have felt like everything in my life is just not good enough. Or that I am not good enough.
But this lie, that I am not good enough, has been circling my thoughts for far too long.
During my in-laws most recent visit, my mother-in-love brought me a few books to read. One of them being “The Mission of Motherhood” by Sally Clarkson. And I cannot tell you how thankful I am for this book.
Though this post is not about motherhood, reading this book has helped me realize what my heart has truly been longing for.
And lately my heart has been longing for Jesus.
So I decided to recommit my mornings to Him. And that is exactly what I am doing.
Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
If my husband wouldn’t do the dishes, bathe our kids, help pick up toys from the living room, etc.. I would become angry with him. Because of the expectation I put on my husband to say yes to all that I asked of him, the anger turned into passive aggressive behavior. I ignored him, gave him attitude, and thought selfish, negative things about our marriage. And if he asked me to do something as simple as pouring him a cup of coffee, I would reply with a simple, “do it yourself.”
Though it may seem silly to some of you, this do-it-yourself-attitude that arose toward my husband was not the wife that I am. It was the selfish wife that created nothing but problems for herself. It was the wife who sat on the high horse, thinking of herself as better than her husband. Because all I could do was think of everything I did, and everything he didn’t do.
I was doing everything out of selfish ambition and vain conceit. Something my husband just didn’t deserve. I needed a break-through, something to help me get past this way of thinking and to create a healthy example for my girls of how a wife should be.
But what did that even look like? Because I had no clue. And I didn’t want to continue this vicious cycle, not only for myself, but also for my husband and my kids.
Then it happened, my break-through.
Proverbs 12:4 – A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.
Wow. This spoke to me. The first thing I thought about was how significant the crown is to a king. It not only exalts the king, but also represents honor and glory.
So I could glorify and honor my husband by being a wife of noble character? Yes, but what does that even mean?
Synonyms for noble – righteous, virtuous, good, honorable, upright, decent, worthy, moral, etc..
When I took a step back to look at my own flaws, I realized that my selfishness did not fall into the same category as being noble. In fact, the two are complete opposites.
How could I serve myself and my husband at all times? I can’t. One of us has to come before the other.
But both of us must come second to God.